It would have been 11 months today…

It’s hard for me to explain this feeling I have to you. But I’ll try. I thought I would be okay now, or at least getting better. I thought I was for a moment, but then I realized I’m not. I still miss you. I still think about you all the time. My heart is still broken. My body still feels empty. The pain never went away, I just got used to it.

Remember that time at the movies? No… That time. The other time. When we didn’t do anything. We just say there together, I laid on you & you held my hand. Everything was perfect.

Your voice…

I just wish I could wake up in your bed, next to you, & all of this was just a bad dream. You have no idea how badly I want that. I want to go back to when I was happy. I want to go back to the first time in my life when everything felt right. & I hate how I lost that because of your stupidity. & what I hate even more is that I will never get that back because of your stupidity.

I can live without you. I mean, I can breathe without you & all. But I can only half-live without you. I will never be able to fully live without you. Ever.

I was proud of you. I was so happy I could call you mine & I wanted everyone to know. I wanted everyone to see how lucky I was & how happy you made me.
But I wonder, did you feel that way about me?
Were you proud or ashamed?
& I really want to ask you if you were…

Our song just came on… Here comes the tears.

Philip… I love you. I’ve told you this a million times. But I’ll keep telling you until you realize we’re meant for each other.

Here I am again.
I’ve been here many times before.
In my bed.
In your blue t-shirt.
Wishing I didn’t need you.
But waiting for you to come back.
Waiting for that one text saying,
“It’s not over”.
Waiting for something that will never happen.
You see me smiling.
But that’s only because I want you to think I’m okay.
Inside I’m dying.
My mind is lost.
Lost in a million thoughts.
All surrounding you.
My heart feels empty.
Lonely without your love.
My hands are cold.
Longing for the warmth of your touch.
You’re like a drug to me.
You’re no good for me.
But I’m addicted.
I’m still here, waiting for you.
And I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait.
I hope not forever.
But for you, I will.

Ugh. I just want to fight with you over something stupid. Then you’ll kiss me to shut me up. Then we’ll fight over another stupid thing. You kiss me. We cuddle. I miss that.

The guy I’m in love with doesn’t want a relationship right now. The guy I’m starting to like says he can’t date right now. Fuck my love life. Oh wait, I don’t even have one.

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